Cancer Jokes
1. Not Feeling Too Well
A man isn’t feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks “can he be cured?”. The doctor replies “there’s a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year – cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on”.
When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said.
The wife answers “he said that you’re going to die”.
2. Top Ten Ways To Know You Are A Cancer Survivor
10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you’re glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You’re back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says, “all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude.”
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass.
3. Bugs
What do you call bugs with cancer? MalignANT and BEEnign.
4. Praying For A Miracle
A religious man discovers that he has testicular cancer, and decides to pray for a miracle. The next day he visits a urologist, who tells him he must have surgery immediately. He tells the doctor “I do not want you to remove my testicle, I am praying for a miracle from God”. Then he visits a radiologist, who tells him that he must begin radiation therapy immediately. He tells the doctor “I do not want you to expose my body to radiation, I am putting my faith in God.” Finally he visits an oncologist, who tells him that he must start chemotherapy immediately. He tells the doctor “I do not want you to inject me with caustic chemicals, God will heal me.” A few months later he dies and goes to heaven, where he is very upset and asks God why he didn’t give him a miracle. God replies “I gave you three miracles, a urologist, an oncologist and a radiologist, but you chose to ignore them.”
5. After The Operation
A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said “I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself.” Three weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says “I’m glad my advice helped.” The patient thanks him again, and as he’s leaving says “By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful house.”
6. Talking About Death
Three buddies were talking about death and dying.
One asked, “When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”
The second man says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy says, “I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!”
7. Real Doctors Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. BAD NEWS AND WORSE NEWS
This friend of mine had felt unwell for months, so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so my friend returned to see his doctor.
“I’m very sorry”, said the doctor. “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news.”
“Tell me the worst.”
“I’ll be honest, you have cancer, you’ll be dead in three months.”
“Crap! ” said my friend. “What on earth is the bad news?”
“You also have Alzheimer’s Disease.”
“Alzheimer’s? Oh well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
9. I needed a new wallet and imagined going to a store and finding a nice one. It had a tag reading “Lifetime Guarantee.” I imagined turning to the clerk and asking, “Do you have anything that will last the rest of the year?”
10.Radiation Glow
[Couldn't resist this recent e-mail from Glenn Jeffrey, a Canadian reader who is 42 years old, with six children. His story is reprinted with his permission.]
Thanks for the jokes…..just what I needed to brighten up the day.
I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had a radical orcheictomy on Sept.18/98.
I am currently taking radiation therapy that will be finished on Nov.26/98.
After my first radiation treatment, I was laying in bed that night. The children were finally all asleep. Carol and I could, at last, talk about the day events. We talked about several things, always dancing around how the radiation treatment had gone.
Finally, Carol asked how I was feeling. I told her pretty good, but my skin was a little tender. Carol offered to take a look, pulled the covers back and gasped — there was a strange green glow coming out from under the blankets.
I had taken a “Glow-stick” and hidden it under the covers.
Great trick for anyone getting radiation . . . just make sure your spouse has a good sense of humor.
Copyright, 1998, Glenn Jeffrey
Jokes sourced from the following web pages:
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