Nicholas J Graham

The Way I Feel

It’s quite something to have the relationship like I do now with my body. Every day, every minute I am in some sort of distress physically, which can become quite exhausting to say the least.

Also, it’s like the alleged Eskimos having 200 words for “snow”, I now have 200 words for “pain”! After about 10 months of being in daily suffering, I have developed a new respect for the simple things in life, especially if they involve anything anywhere near comfort! (sitting on a soft, leather car seat instead of my firm, cloth one for example).

I am not saying that every minute of my new life is terrible or anything, but I end up gritting my teeth through much of the day to simply walk, get out of a chair, bend over to tie my shoes, etc… Thankfully the ulcers and tears in my skin are healing and doing much better these days. On the flip side, whereas my eyes were much better this past summer due to the high humidity, the cold air now is drying them out and making them painful all over again! Ugh!

Every single day I tell myself and Katie that ONE DAY I will be there, I will be (mostly) pain-free. I have to keep telling myself this, over and over. Otherwise I become very depressed very quickly and start to eat huge amounts of sugar and gain (no kidding) 20 pounds in a week or two. (At least I know that I can pretty easily take off the pounds as well as I have done it before).

It’s also so strange to look at your skin, hair, nails, etc… and wonder what happened? Even for a brief moment you wonder if all of this was worth it? All of this, let’s be honest, living hell???  Of course it is, and God would not allow me to suffer without having gifts to give to others.  I truly believe others when they tell me that I do not suffer in vain and that my gained wisdom helps others to overcome their own pains.  I have to believe.